HUMOR

The Beatles' witty and unique sense of humor made them even more endearing to their dedicated fans.  Below is a collection of bits of their famous humor. 

(Newest quotes are at the top)

Press: "Paul, you look like my son."

John: "You don't look a bit like my mother."

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John: "No more unscheduled public appearances.  We've had enough.  We're going to stay in our hotel except for concerts."

Press: "Won't this make you feel like caged animals?"

John: "No.  We feed ourselves."

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Press: "How come you were turned back by immigration?"

John: "We had to be deloused."

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Press: "Do you like topless bathing suits?"

Ringo: "We've been Wearing them for years."

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Press: "Can we look forward to any more Beatle movies?"

John: "Well, there'll be many more, but I don't know whether you can look forward to them or not."

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Press: "Aren't you tired of all the hocus-pocus?  Wouldn't you rather sit on your fat wallets?"

Paul: "When we get tired we take fat vacations on our fat wallets."

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Question: "Do you date much?"

George: "What are you doing tonight?"

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Question: "What do you think of the criticism that you're not very good?"

George: "We're not."

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John: "My original idea for the cover was better - decapitate Paul - but he wouldn't go along with it."

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Question: "Does the adulation from teenage girls affect you?"

John: "When I feel my head start to swell I look at Ringo - then I know we're not superhuman."

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Question: "Do you have any special advice for teenagers?"

John: "Don't get pimples."

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Press: "Were you worried about the oversized roughnecks who tried to infiltrate the airport crowd on your arrival?"

Ringo: "That was us!"

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Press [US]: "What have you seen that you like best about our country?"

John: "You."

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Press: "What do you think you've contributed to the music business?"

Ringo: "Records."

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Press: "Has success spoiled the Beatles?"

John: "Well, you don't see us running out and buying bowler hats, do you?  I think we've pretty much succeeded in remaining ourselves."

Paul: "The great thing about it is that you don't have big worries anymore when you've got where we have - just little ones, like whether the plane is going to crash."

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Press: "Did you really use four-letter-words on the tourists in the Bahamas?"

John: "What we actually said was 'gosh.'"

Paul: "We may have also said 'heavens.'"

John: "Couldn't have said that, Paul.  More than four letters."

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Press: "When do you rehearse?"

John: "We don't!"

Paul: "Yeah, of course we do."

John: "Paul does, we don't."

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Press: "How do you add up success?"

All: "Money!"

Press: "What will you do when Beatlemania subsides?"

John: "Count the money."

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Press: "What do you do when you're cooped up in a hotel room between shows?"

George: "We ice skate."

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Press: "Sorry to interrupt you while you're eating, but what do you think you'll be doing in five years when all this is over?"

Ringo: "Still eating."

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Paul: "Was Magical Mystery Tour really so bad compared to the rest of Christmas TV?  You could hardly call the Queen's speech a gasser!"

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Press: "Now that you've made a movie, do you dig the acting bit?"

John: "We don't profess to be actors."

Paul: "It's American, that 'dig.'"

John: "Dig?"

Paul: "Dig your baby, daddy!"

John: "Oh I get it."

Paul: "'With it.'"

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Press: "How do you like not having any privacy?"

Paul: "We do have some."

John: "We just had some yesterday, didn't we, Paul?  Tell them."

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Playboy Magazine: "You mean you're brave enough to venture out into the streets without a bodyguard?"

Ringo: "Sure."

George: "We're always on the street.  Staggering about."

Ringo: "Flogging our bodies."

George: "You can catch John sleeping in the gutter occasionally."

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Press: "Hi, you're not married?"

George: "No, I'm George."

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Press: "How does it feel to be putting on the whole world?"

Ringo: "We enjoy it."

Paul: "We aren't really putting you on."

George: "Just a bit of it."

John: "How does it feel to be put on?"

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Press: "Some people have been calling your work 'un-American.'  How do you respond to this?"

John: "Well, that's very observant of them."

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Ringo: "If I was royal..."

Paul: "If I was royal, I would crack long jokes and get a mighty laugh...if I was royal."

George: "What would we do with Buckingham Palace?  Royalty's stupid."

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Ringo: "I got up in the Ad Lib the other night and a big handbag hit me in the gut.  I thought it was somebody I knew; I didn't have my glasses on.  I said, 'Hello,' and a bloody big worker went 'Arrrgh.'  So I just ran into the bog...because I'd heard about things like that."

Playboy Magazine: "What are you talking about?"

George: "He doesn't know."

Playboy Magazine: "Do you?"

George: "Haven't the slightest."

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Paul: "Let's order some drinks.  Scotch or Coke?"

John: "I'll have chocolate."

George: "Scotch for me and Paul...and chocolate for the Beatle teenager."

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Press: "What did you think when your airplane's engine began smoking as you landed today?"

Ringo: "Beatles, women, and children first!"